


On My Journey Home

by Actually_Ichimatsu



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (christmas in july? no lie), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Canon Divergence, Christmas, Christmas Movies, Comfort, Connor Lives AU, Cuddling, Jewish!Evan Hansen, M/M, Mild Angst, Mostly Fluff, Self Depreciating Thoughts, mild anxiety mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 03:12:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11500578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actually_Ichimatsu/pseuds/Actually_Ichimatsu
Summary: "Connor could hear the muffled Christmas music from the houses he passed. The music was sung along to badly by kids and eggnog-drunk adults around their families.Connor didn't want to be around his family right now."





	On My Journey Home

**Author's Note:**

> Yet Another Connor Lives AU: the Christmas Rendition
> 
> I actually had this beta'd by my friend, Peeley!! They don't have a AO3, I dont think, but they're HELLA NICE!!!
> 
> anyway, I was a chorus camp, and we did a song and my choir conductor said something that inspired me to write this- "Home can be a place other than where you were raised. It can even be a person." so !! there
> 
> the title is from a camp meeting song we did called No Time, arranged by Susan Brumfield!

Connor's sigh came out in the form of smoke in the cold winter air. Connor shivered, rubbing his arms. It was twenty-fourth of December, and a thin layer of snow covered the ground. It was breaching on sundown. Connor could hear the muffled Christmas music from the houses he passed. The music was sung along to badly by kids and eggnog-drunk adults around their families.

Connor didn't want to be around his family right now. Connor didn't want to ruin it for them as he always did, causing a fight left and right.

And by 'Connor didn't want,' Connor meant 'Zoe didn't want'. Zoe had told him to go away. Connor hadn't even done anything that bad that night, in his own opinion.

(Okay, maybe he had said a few curse words and talked about how God Wasn't Real, but wasn't it true? Nothing in comparison from his usual antics.)

Yet, Fucking Larry nodded in agreement and his mom gaped in horror, but said nothing. Connor cursed at her then, but saying nothing he regretted at the moment, but stormed out nonetheless.

You would think, Connor, who is cold in 70 degree weather, Connor, who is always wearing multiple long sleeves, would've taken a jacket or something containing warmth in the below freezing weather. But Connor, in his upset rush, walked out the front door, forgetting his phone, and forgetting any thread of clothing that may have added warmth to his body.

So Connor walked in a direction, kicked out of his house on Christmas Eve.

' _It might not even qualify as being kicked out,_ ' somewhere inside him breathed, while he sucked a breath in. ' _You walked out when you could've said something._ ' It bit.

' _You're a freak, Connor, your own family doesn't even want you around on Christmas-_ ' Connor briskly walked in the direction he chose. The biting cold didn't bite as hard with the red hot anger boiling.

Connor noticed his subconscious walked him to Evan Hansen's house, a place with a route known to him like the back of his hand, even more well known than his own apartment.

Sure, it was half way across town, but he could make it. He didn't want to be alone with his own thoughts right now, or alone period.

Evan Hansen was his boyfriend. Him and Evan had known each other since the beginning of the year of their senior year, and they both decided to take a year off before college.

Connor absently noted somewhere in his mind that their one year anniversary was coming up soon.

Evan had gotten back from the in-state university he attended about a week ago. Connor and Evan had met up several times since then, but they hadn't been able to visit for long. Evan's mom had wanted to see him, and Jared Kleinman had been around him often too.

As Connor approached the door to the Hansen household, the brunet noticed that the Hansen-mobile was not in the driveway. Evan didn't have a car, didn't even have a permit still, so it was apparent it was Heidi that wasn't home. Connor felt the bite return with a vengeance with a tightness in his chest. Connor knew Evan didn't celebrate Christmas, but Evan's mom being absent and Evan being alone on Christmas left a sour note in him.

(Connor thought irony was really painful.)

Connor knocked on the door of Evan's house. Connor realized he maybe should've texted Evan, instead of freaking him out like this. _Oops_.

"Um Evan?" Connor yelled through the door. "It's me," Connor tried to soothe any anxiety he had, because he knew it would make him anxious even with all the improvement he'd had since they first met.

' _Its me_?' A voice repeated dryly, ' _very specific. Nice job saving the day._ '

"Your boyfriend," he specified, "Connor," he added quietly, trembling from the cold.

The door unlocked and slid open. Connor felt like he was feeling the sun's warmth for the first time. The heat of the house and the handsomeness that was Evan Hansen rushed to him.

Evan looked mildly tired and very confused, and his dirty blonde hair was messed up. Evan was in a blue (what else) sweater and flannel sweatpants, and that was all the information that Connor could soak up before Evan pulled him in.

"Connor!" Evan scolded lightly, "what are you doing out in a t-shirt and sweatpants in 20 something degree weather?" Evan's concern shone through his eyes and tone.

"Family told me to get out, so I did," Connor mumbled indignantly as Evan fussed over him.

"Evan," Connor sighed, "I'm honestly freezing and wet, is there anyway you have a spare change of clothes?" Connor looked away. Connor loved Evan's clothes, but he refused to admit it.

"Oh! Yeah. Follow me," Evan smiled a charming (yet worried,) smile and let him to his bedroom. Evan pulled sweatpants, a pair of boxers and a light grey hoodie out, reading Evan's school's initials, and Connor smirked.

"Out of the five minutes I haven't been kissed yet," Connor said lightheartedly, "I feel unloved."

"Yeah, well with how wet you are.. I-I'm not touching you 'till you change." Evan joked back, changing his vocal tone slightly to show the joke more prominently. Connor smiled a bit, muttering some meaningless response, before leaving to change in Evan's bathroom.

After Connor got changed, Connor wandered down the stairs where he heard the their small TV playing something he couldn't discern. As Connor got closer, Connor realized exactly what he was watching.

"Why are you watching the Rudolph movie?" Connor laughed quietly.

"I want to, thats why!" Evan defended himself in a light manner, before Connor came and sat with him and gave him a gentle chaste kiss.

"I love you a lot, you know that right?" Connor leaned against Evan, wrapping an arm around him.

"I know. I-I love you too." Evan turned his head and looked up at Connor, smiling.

Evan then turned towards the TV again. It was towards the middle or end of the movie, and the stop motion Santa came on screen.

"Evan, do you enjoy tormenting Christian children?"

"W-what?!" Evan exclaimed, jumping away from Connor's embrace in alarm. "What on Earth do you mean by that?"

"What I mean is that," Connor began to explain through laughter, "do you tell children, or anyone who doesn't know, that Santa isn't real?" Connor exhaled.

"Oh!" Evan giggled then a little, "I actually did that once?" Evan smiled a little, nervously laughing.

"Evan, such a sadist," Connor laughed, while Evan frantically tried to explain making Connor laugh harder.

"I-I was like, eight!" Evan said over Connor's laughter, "It was one of Jared's friends! I didn't know that some fake deity came down your chimney every Christmas morning and planted gifts at a decoration tree whose religion not everyone celebrates, that a lot of kids thought he was real!"

Connor couldn't stop laughing, and Evan started laughing too, due to Connor's laughing.

Laughter rang through the house, and Connor felt happy. He felt warm. He didn't feel hot and boiling, like he did when he was mad. He felt safe. He felt like he was at home.

The laughter calmed down, and the movie was at its end, and they began to cuddle on the couch as another Christmas special came on.

"Ev?" Connor said softly.

"Hmm?" Evan said sleepily, to show he heard him. Evan was on the outside of the couch and Connor had his arms wrapped around him to make sure Evan wouldn't fall off.

"Thanks for letting me be here." Connor murmured. He felt Evan shift slightly.

"Of course, Connor, you're always welcome wherever I am." Evan said warmly, like a fire from a fireplace.

Connor felt like he had a million other thank you's he could say, but they went unspoken.

'Thank you for putting up with me,' or 'Thank you for always being around.'. Or 'Thank you for being my true home.' Where he lived, where he was raised, would never truly feel like home, he knew. Evan only gave him that warm feeling.

All these words went unsaid though, in favor of Connor not wanting to embarrass himself by saying something so out of character, even after years of therapy after the first week of senior year.

Connor kissed Evan's head sleepily, noticing Evan's breathing had evened out.

Connor didn't fall asleep much later than that, the warm feeling pushing all bad feelings away, and sleep prevailed.

**Author's Note:**

> catch me referencing Bo Burnham in my writing (there is one here >>:00)
> 
> Hope You Enjoyed!!


End file.
